Still need to get a Christmas Tree and decorate it!

• Sign up for a short course.
• UCAS application
• Decide which course to do
• Write to mum.

Stuff still left to do in this busy period.

Just an update

to say that things are better than ever, weight's been lifted and i've been given a special insight into some stuff. so i'm starting over in london, and it's pretty good (:

cannot wait for bunkbeds + mattresses
christmas
spending time with S
leaving him behind :D

for now...

xx

The seasons change, the cold comes in.

I miss my rabbits. I love nature and am so in touch with it. I love walks but lately the cold is getting to me. I don't like winter so much, it doesn't like me much either. But hopefully I'll get through this one more or less unscathed. The clocks change, and we gain an hour this weekend. Ahh, stupid winter.

Prose

she wanted to be in one of those books, like in childhood where she read about dragons & princesses, and monsters. she took a long walk, but it was cold & she felt cold from the inside too. more or less all of the leaves had turned brown and crisp, & had fallen off the trees. she let her feet take her, though something was different about this walk than normal. everything felt and looked dead, she could not breathe and didn't feel like she had the space or room to either. normally fresh air did her good, but this time it made her choke up & want to cry. but nothing came out. she felt as dead on the inside as she had felt about everything on the outside.

the walk took her to a dark place, nothing like those childhood stories. a place of many trees and overgrowth. she had visited this place during her childhood, but it was a sad place as she had often come here when she felt like she needed to run away. she hadn't had the courage to walk inside that place for many years, up until now. she took a couple of steps and wondered what on earth she was doing back here, but nevertheless her feet carried her forward and she took small steps up through the overgrowth, on the pathway. she covered her nose and mouth as the flies started to circulate around. she didn't want to go down towards the stream, so she went back and walked on the pathway in the opposite direction. the path was turning into mud, so she sidestepped onto the grass for a while. she was above a lot of the trees and the undergrowth. the path was getting narrower and narrower, so she was carefully stepping as to not fall.

she wasn't really thinking or feeling anything & as soon as she saw more steps, she turned and went back to her house.

some hours later, in a conversation with her boyfriend, she started to feel detached and lost. she started to try & cry, but could scarcely manage a couple of tears. later on she felt so alone, although the normally annoying occurences of the day were not happening as usual. it was good to have a break from the stress & all, but she was scared of becoming alone once more. although she had always been alone in it all, she was quite terrified at the thought of being alone again, of losing hope and faith. she had just started to open up, had just begun to trust a little more, and now she was scared of losing it all & getting hurt, particularly at this point in her life.

she had started to cry. love is one thing in its purest form that can get you welled up. especially if it is true love. still, she had to control herself as she had no real space to cry. she sat and wrote this instead.

Stories long forgotten, yet it seems like it was yesterday.

Strange

“There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away, the things she won’t remember and that she can’t even let herself think about because that’s when the birds scream and the worms crawl, and somewhere in her mind it’s always raining a slow and endless drizzle.
You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sing, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.
Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.
Whenever it rains you will think of her.”

(“Strange” segment of Strange Little Girls by Neil Gaiman)

Time

“She is not waiting. Not quite. It is more that the years mean nothing to her anymore, that the dreams and the street cannot touch her.
She remains on the edges of time, implacable, unhurt, beyond, and one day you will open your eyes and see her; and after that, the dark.
It is not a reaping. Instead, she will pluck you, gently, like a feather, or a flower for her hair.”

(“Time” segment of Strange Little Girls by Neil Gaiman)

Rattlesnake

“She doesn’t know who owned the jacket originally. Nobody claimed it after a party, and she figured it looked good on her.
It says KISS, and she does not like to kiss. People, men and women, have told her that she is beautiful, and she has no idea what they mean. When she looks in the mirror she does not see beauty looking back at her. Only her face.
She does not read, watch TV, or make love. She listens to music. She goes places with her friends. She rides roller coasters but never screams when they plummet or twist and plunge upside down.
If you told her the jacket was yours she’d just shrug and give it back to you. It’s not like she cares, not one way or the other.”

(“Rattlesnake” segment of Strange Little Girls by Neil Gaiman)

New Age

“She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon.
You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood.
She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here.”

(“New Age” segment of Strange Little Girls by Neil Gaiman)

Starflower oil (borage.)

I kind of started up a tumblr and a new LJ, so I'm more frequently on there now. I want to still keep these blogs, so I'll update them every now and then. Even numbers only! Haha. So much has changed inside of me since last weekend when I went to Ireland. It's been a positive and life changing experience. Plus, I remembered the part of me that I'd lost. I'm currently going through weekly ep's of GG, The Hills, The City, Heroes and I may start on DH soon. I also am re-watching all of Buffy and am currently at the end of season one. I need to start figuring out which writing course I want to do and maybe apply through UCAS for next year. Doesn't matter if I decline uni's offers at the end if I want to go travel. But it's always good to keep an open mind. I've started reading again, writing too. It's all good (:

Current book: Angels in my Hair by Lorna Byrne.

everywhere you go is the same. same shops, same mundane jeremy kyle class of people going about their everday life ignorant to the world around them

richard and i texted each other all night, just actually talked about things for the most part. it was good.

lately though, i'm just so unhappy about being here it's seriously bringing me down. i need to get away but it doesn't seem likely.

If This Is The Life, Why Does It Feel So Good To Die Today?

I miss parts of my old self. Wells, it may be the hormones but I generally feel weird today. With some reluctance, I went to Connex's and thrust into the next step. I'm nowhere near ready but I had no choice. Apparently i'm entitled to £54 or something a week, so yeah. I just feel like being quiet today, having quiet with only incredible music on in the background. I wish I could go out in the middle of the night to a lake and go and wade at the edge. Or even a sea. I just long to be happy and away from here. I seriously don't want to feel miserable or trapped anymore. All I feel I have right at this moment is music. Music is everything to me. I know my boy's just a phone call away, but I'm showing him I'm good on the whole. This is just a temporary tiredness, most likely the hormones. Right?

I hope.

secret : I wanna have uncontrollably wild sex with you.

Love Paramore's New Album - Brand New Eyes!

Think of me when you're out, when you're out there
I'll beg you nice from my knees
When the world treats you way too fairly
It's a shame i'm a dream

All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you

I think I'll pace my apartment a few times
And fall asleep on the couch
And wake up early to black and white re-runs
That escaped from the mouth

Oh-Oh

All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you

I could follow you to the beginning
And just re-live the start
And maybe then we'll remember to slow down
To all of our favorite parts

All I wanted was you

All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you