1 down, 3 to goooo!

CAKE! TO CELEBRATE!
NO MORE BIOPSYCHOLOGY UNTIL OCTOBER/JANUARY!

Things are things.
People are people.
I've been waking up early, 9 am every day! Let's hope I can keep it up.

I've still got drafts I haven't published, but I need to eat + chill + then study moar!
Next exam is next Tuesday!

Gah.
Always rushrushrush!

P.S. I think I found a childhood friend on Facebook!

The brain, brain, brain, brain!

Zomgz!
This.
IZ.
a lifesaver!

I love how educational cartoons like that used to be (even subtly.)
Should eat me some caramel/cinnamon ice cream tomorrow!

P.S. I've got to work on those drafts.

P.P.S. MUST revise!

When they can't find you you'll turn into a mystery, but you're no mystery to me.

So things are peaceful, things are nice when you're finally inspired. It's like a buzz, a feeling of complete contentment no matter how much other feeling there is beside it. I was going to move onto better things, more advanced people. She always said I'd outgrow him and move onto better things, she was right. But then, he swept me off my feet. He feels a lot like home, to be honest. He knows, and I do choose to talk to him over anyone else. Plus he's said he'll improve; meaning I go first before video games etc. He's been doing a good job of maintaining it too, but he needs to remember to continue improving and not just stop after a week, or a month or whatever. He actually had some pretty decent conversations with me too, so it's looking good. The other guy will have to take a back seat for now. He's a crazy one anyway.

So i'm at my parents' place until Monday. Weekend full of revision, nice-ish weather and spending time with my parents. It's more relaxed leaving on Monday, it's good to have a little bit of extra time in the care of the ones who love you the most. I like looking outside the dining room window/patio door at the blue sky above. Mum and I snuck some Domino's pizza after my appointment. We had the Veggie Supreme, she had jalapeno's on her half of the pizza & we got a bottle of Diet Coke to share. We basically sat in the car, it was very windy so I didn't feel like getting back out to get the pizza. We just scoffed ourselves in the car, it was a nice mother-daughter thing haha.

Ah wells, that's my update for now.

I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun.

The soul is awakened at 6 am, ready for a day full of enjoyment - a road trip awaiting. Grab a mug from the kitchen cupboard and seamlessly flick the switch to boil the water in the kettle whilst rummaging for the coffee beans on the top shelf somewhere. Oh, how I wish I drank coffee. Wiping the sleep from your eyes, you softly pour the rest of last nights wine into the sink from the glass. While you hear the sound of the water coming to an almost boil, you get distracted by the window behind the sink that lets you gaze upon a beautiful summers day. The air is calm, the grass is lush and green, and birdsong is floating through the early morning atmosphere. A good day for a road trip, you quietly think to yourself, a good day. Then you sit with your mug filled up to the brim on the couch by the bay window. No rushing, there is a calm and lacksadasical attitude at this time of the morning and it is nice.

Once ready, you reach for your keys, swipe your bag off the floor and fix your hair in the mirror before you slip your sandals on and head out to your well earned car. It is a pride in your life, a BMW has to be after all. Series 3 convertible, of course. My dream car... One day... So you open the top and let the morning air fly by you as you head out into the unknown. You don't exactly have a plan, you just know there are places; secret and beautiful that you must find and visit. You have an intuition, you've always seemed to have a special knack at that. You're driving for miles, you think you are possibly getting lost but then, that's happened before so you don't mind all that much. Always lost. You make a stop, you're bursting; maybe it was all that coffee an hour ago to make you alert.

You can see the wood from the trees, nothing but trees, and the morning mist appears from the dew that has settled. Once you feel relieved, you enter deeper and deeper, weaving in and out of the trees just wandering around aimlessly having nice thoughts and feeling the mist on your face as you breeze by; the water feeling refreshing against the pores of your skin. You start to think that maybe this is going to be your adventure for the day, this is where the day is taking you.

Out came the sun, as the undergrowth stretched all around you, the trees getting lost in the midst of the leafy green. It makes you feel wide-eyed and a smile suddenly creeps up from the corner of your soft, silky lips. You walk, and walk; you're not tired even though the sun is slowly getting more intense. It must be almost 11 by now. You left all the distractions safely locked in your car (your bag containing your cell phone, some gum, a pack of malboro's and cards.) All you have is some cash and loose change, your keys, and a Capri-sun in the back pocket of the skinny jeans that make your thighs look so slender. No plans, no distractions, nothing that makes you feel like you belong or that there is anyone else in the world. You like that feeling, you take it in, take a gulp of the Capri-sun and carry on.

You wonder upon a cliff, never realising you had walked that far. It's not very high, with the ocean below. You feel on top of the world; endorphins running through you, the sun in full blaze and everything above and below. You take a minute, outstretch your arms and scream out loud. "WOOOOOOOOOO!" Wow, that felt great. It always feels good to just let it all out and scream. This is more ecstasy than the climax of sex, you decide. You laugh at that, a small cheeky giggle. You know you should do this more often.

All of a sudden, without thinking, just taking the good feeling in. You just jump into the water, the coolness cleansing you from the inside and out. You didn't realise you had been working up a little bit of a sweat until your body was all cold that you shivered. It felt good, and you have a lovely little swim.

Having the idea, just for fun you decide how long you can breathe underwater. The bubbles floating away, like little pieces of your breath wanting to escape from you. You don't need anyone or anything, you're happy here, you're fine with the nature all around you. At one with it all, you come up for air. You've gotta swim, swim for your life. It feels like it was a lifetime down there.

The sun looks like it's heading southwards so you decide to swim back to land and start heading back to the car, if you can find it. You walk for miles until you're tired, and you start recognising your hunger. The atmosphere feels cooler overall, but maybe it's the fact you took a jump off a cliff into the wide ocean. Or, that the sun is close to setting and the night is where it's almost at. At least you had a day away, a day feeling yourself and the lovely beauty of the Earth that surrounds you.

And then the landscape suddenly turns grey, as night begins to approach and the sun has had it's day. You remember that path, the odd tree over there. Maybe it feels grey because you're going away, and it's time for the dullness and reality to come over again. You have to eat, you have to drive, you have to talk to others and get down to business with everyone. Ugh. By the time you get to the car, you're exhausted. There's a diner not far up ahead, and you decide to stop there for the night. Grabbing a meal of over-cooked fries and a chicken burger, you feel satiated. Mmm, food at last. Along with the pitcher of diet coke to quench your thirst and relieve some of your tiredness. You leave the cash with the bill, and walk out, slowly creeping towards the car. You lock yourself in, extend the seat all the way back and you're pretty much knocked out until the next day.

It's 4 am, you must have passed out early, like 8 or 9 the previous night. You feel like wandering, just a little. Getting out of the car feels good, you stretch your legs; taking wide strides as you walk. You feel fine, and you slept good too. This is how you want to feel all the time, you wish you didn't have to worry about all the stupid things in life. See, because these things; nature, beauty, love. These are the things that matter.

There's a bench you come across, by a lake. It must lead to the ocean, you're sure. The ocean you loved and experienced not even 24 hours ago. It's dark but you sit down anyway, you just enjoy the sound of the running water and the good feelings inside of you. Almost instantly, you drift off again. Long day, yawn. Awake, a couple of hours later, you feel a sudden jolt of panic as you don't remember if you locked your car. Jogging back there though, you realise you were wise and have locked it up. You listen to some tunes for a while, keeping your calm. It soothes you, takes you back to that glorious day and all the feelings you encountered. At a suitable time, say 9, you go back into the diner and have pancakes with a drizzling of maple syrup. You need the energy for your adventure isn't quite over yet.

Once again, back to the car with a chocolate milkshake in the cup holder. You head out a little further beyond the diner, just to discover.

Passing a derelict area, it reminds you of Mexico. Though you're not in Mexico at all. You park up and take a walk, just making up movies in your mind. Westerns, only because it feels like the desert. A ghost town. You wonder what the lives of the people that once grazed here were like. You take time to think of how poorly they may have lived, and how you hoped they are somewhere better off now. You get out your phone, put the music player on and start goofing around and dancing. Hi, Highhh!!! You think of nights, hanging tree lights would be appropriate, and inviting your friends to have a good time.

Back to the car, it's almost afternoon. You wave goodbye to the nice time you've had and head back miles away, miles to your apartment.

You see the sea, you take one last stop and breathe the ocean air in. You take one last look and return to your car. Bleh. You wave goodbye, lightly singing a melody while you drive down the road.

As you're driving, you notice some Mexican workers filling up a newly renovated pool. Wonder if they could be those Mexicans from the derelict place. You see a white man on a cell phone who is apparently directing the helicopter above you to place a small palm tree near to the pool. You quickly take out your phone and take a crappy phone shot as you drive by. You wish to have a house like this one day, one day soon. By the ocean so you can be free whenever you want. You smile to yourself, you then carry on looking forwards and onwards you go back to your apartment.

You've parked your car in the garage around the back and you arrive to the front door in the late afternoon. With your bag on your shoulder, you catch a quick glance of the sun and birds swirling above in the sky and you smile. Lovely. One quiet little smile that gives you hope, love and warmth to carry on with your life.

Catwalks, flashing lights and murders in the back alley.

Life's about staring endlessly down a cup of hot chocolate/coffee from Costa and wondering where those missed opportunities went, and why you aren't horseback riding near some mountains feeling free, roaming free. After taking a sip of the quite hot beverage, you sit back clutching your knees towards you, staring out at the people passing wondering how exciting their lives may be. That guy looks like he's been enjoying big thrills, like going skydiving or screaming in the middle of a valley when no one's around. He looks happy, like he enjoys the smallest things, the simple pleasures. You remember when you used to be like that, when you felt like you could breathe and just be, and not really care about the bad that lies underneath all of that. Your mind slowly wanders back to your now lukewarm cup, which you finish off in a minute or so, placing your bag over your neck and shoulder and walking out of the popular coffee place in your lovely town.

So, I've been having dreams. But these are weird ones, ones that I'm not quite sure what they're supposed to mean. One of them I'm sure I've had before, but with a slightly different situation surrounding it. I think I'm inspired again, pictures inspire me and I've been looking on sites and reading and thinking, thinking only wonderous, intriguing things. I think I have a story lined up, one with pictures included on the way. I've been looking at models and photoshoots, I really want to be a model someday. I want to be pictured nude, in some classy pose.

like this.

or this.

Yeah, my day didn't exactly go to plan and I think the boyfriend is worried about me again. I hope I haven't reduced him to tears at work again :(
I'm wondering what to make for dinner, probably some pasta to use up the sweetcorn. I never managed to get a frozen pizza or anything. I'm currently a week away from the BioPsychology multiple choice exam on the computer. I hope it goes well, apparently she said it doesn't take the full two hours. An hour, max she said. So once I deal with the hunger issue, I'll sort out this story and post it. I need to tidy up some more, maybe start packing and things.

La la lovely?

You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you.

Circa things are cute.

I feel so much better, I spilled it out all over him last night. I feel pretty rested too, and he's been complimenting me all day saying things like "you're my gorgeous girlfriend, and one day you will make a gorgeous bride." He really is trying to improve, it's so sweet and yes, it sooo does make me smile! Because the past is the past, and although there still is some wondering going on, I should just pretty much accept it and move on. We're different, it's all different, things have changed. Sometimes people DO actually change, and it's nice. :)

Well I should go out and buy some milk, maybe bread, biscuits and a frozen pizza. I need to use up some onions and the sweetcorn in the fridge, so yeah. Maybe find a flapjack while I'm at it. Exam time always brings fat food, energy foods and all. Basically this time next week will be the eve of my first exam, it's pretty scary actually. Don't panic. Don't panic. Breathe. Wow.

I should look up train times for this weekend, but I do need to sort other stuff out before then. I really need to get my act together. Maybe tidy up some right now. GET ON WITH ITTTTT!!!! ahhh.

Life.
IZ.
moar.
than. THIS.

The places you have come to fear the most.

Fire Fire!
Hot hot hot.

Lolz.
Okaiz.
Wellz.

The flats at Goldsmith Court have had at least some teen numbers of false fire alarms. It's become a real annoyance, and they always say they fixed the problem but it always happens again and again. Even at 1 or 3 am. We go out, the fire engines (two or three) usually come and make us wait for like 20 minutes outside. But this time it was an actual fire, I went out after 5 minutes of the alarm sounding and when I got out near the stairs there was actual smoke. It wasn't heavy smoke, but from the second floor down everybody was having to use the terrace to get out from. Three fire engines came, they took out hoses and some chart thing (I think it's to show where exactly the fire has hit.) Freya and I stood there and wondered, it was pretty chilly as it was early evening and we just wanted to know what had happened to get back in and get on with stuff.

We got to chatting, she's apparently staying near Goose Fair in a house with some friends next year. P came back yesterday, as she wrote on Facebook. I'm actually at a loss, I can't even help myself so how can I offer anything to her? Anyways, Freya has got all her notes spread out on the kitchen table and has finally started revising. She says she's not having much luck but I think she'll be okay judging by her performance last week. It was nice talking, but since only just about recovering from a cold last week, I didn't feel so good after standing in the cold for about 40-50 minutes. The firemen just waited and waited, probably for the smoke to clear, and then they just took off without communicating anything to us. Now we don't know what happened, whereabouts the fire was exactly and if we're supposed to use the elevator and that exit. Maybe they'll post letters out. But this weekend when I'm leaving for home, I hope I can use the elevator.

The day was just a waste. My mum called at 11, and then again at 12. I think I slept until like 3 though. I tried to keep my mind off the pain, off everything about last night. It feels like it's just getting worse and worse and I know it will all come out tonight or something. I even got him worried, "literally been in tears worrying about what got you so upset." When I try and push him away, all I want is for him to be close. He's right, June isn't far off now... which is another real big worry for me. My problem is that I worry too much, I care not enough to do anything about it. I don't know what's wrong with me, what to do. Meh. Even Freya was saying how one of her friends who she's renting the house with may drop out, I was saying how she can always get someone else but she was like "everyone who's coming back to uni next year will have sorted accomodation out by now." Yeah, oops.

So I should really clean my place up a bit more, there are not that many weeks left now. Try some laundry and all that. I also need to get back on my stepper and try and lose some more weight and tone up. That's going to be easier if I get out of this funk. I missed 'Enders so I'll try and watch that in a bit, and then some VM. He said that I should let him help me tonight, so if I don't fall asleep I'll be surrendered to that.

In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air, I was born too late, into a world that doesn't care.

Things are better today!
We had a little talk last night and it's nice to know he'll do anything to keep me. He says he's going to improve, so we'll see. I'm really looking forward to having a better boyfriend, for him to become better in himself; for himself as well as me. When it's true love, it works. So hopefully...

I managed to get cleaning done yesterday, just the hoovering and changing sheets today. Going to make spaghetti for dinner once my flatmate's out of the kitchen, throw in some sweetcorn and whatever else I can find haha. I should try making more risotto, I haven't in a while and I know I'm a good chef. Ha ha. I will have birthday cake for afters too! :)

Sometimes, well a lot of the time actually, I think I was born in the wrong time. I would have loved to be in a simpler time, I wish I could go back in time with my 21st century knowledge and impress the world, make a name for myself. It would have been cool to see the 40's, and the 60's-80's! I would have loved to experienced some of the glamour and fashions, hype and world affairs. Interesting and exciting, and adventurous, kinda unlike today's society. There are no original, wowzaz, no nice pretty inventions. In fact, vintage is more cooler than ever.

Maybe the world will change for the better someday...

Times Are Hard For Dreamers.

Sometimes I think I live in my own mind. I want a man that had dreams like I did when I was younger, I want someone thoughtful and caring, someone who makes me smile when I'm around him. I used to want to do a good deed a week, something to help my self-efficacy, self-healing. Sometimes I used to achieve helping other people a lot, it was all I really did when I was younger and even with close family too.

I think I'm losing everything I've ever known. Maybe that's a good thing considering the way my life's turned out, maybe I'm being forced to change for the better, like someone's giving me an invisible push. It can only get better if I change and I know that, I also know it's going to be extremely scary and lonely so I just need some sort of breakthrough really.

This other guy is maybe just lust though. However, he does talk to me and we wander off in conversations. We have similar interests and we're really attracted to each other, he actually makes me smile, even completely on the inside. This guy makes big gestures, gives like love is what he lives for. I actually avoid talking to my boyfriend, avoid the awkwardness. He doesn't give me much without me practically spelling it out or blatantly asking for it. He doesn't make me feel special or give me compliments, maybe once in a blue moon. He is actually very self centered, just like his ex. He's a little boy with his little shitty attitude and his toys. I wonder why I ever wanted him to the extent that I fought hard for him. It's funny really.

Even I'm sick of my love life. But i'd be even more sick of loneliness :(
I've only ever been told bad things about him, I've always been told I can do so much better, that I need to get rid of him and find someone who will give me what I want and deserve. I think the more I talk to him, the more I find myself itching to do this.

GRRRRRR.

My Life Is G

I can almost breathe properly again, I can taste my food and everything! It rawks, and I've almost beat this cold to the extinction so I am happy. Today feels better, and I am thinking much more clearer too. I am making up my plan as we speak, things are going to move forwards and get better and sorted. I will take these exams, I'm not worried about the one on the 13th, it's multiple choice but I am pretty confident. It's just the essay style ones I have to gather my knowledge up on and get it together with. I will be fine.

FML sent me this link to the opposite namesake site. It's called My Life is Good. It's also a good read, proving good things happen in people's days as well as the bad. I also found some scary resemblence of my situation, my entire life in this PostSecret community forum. I want to know more, maybe see if people are doing things to overcome stuff and maybe I can get some tips on it too? It's all a case of reaching out really. And reaching out to the right person/people.

So tomorrow I really must hoover and clean all around since I'm feeling stronger, maybe do a round of laundry to make sure all the bugs are killed so the sickness doesn't continue. I need to ask my dad whether there's anything else I can do to speed up recovery and make sure this thing isn't leading me to false hope. Could be spreading elsewhere, couldn't it?

I feel a little guilty, I think I'm falling in love with someone else. I don't know, he's just someone I can actually talk to, have a conversation with. We flow, we have similar interests and it feels like fun. Though I'm not sure it's something that can go long term, I need to know more to know that. It feels good though, maybe it's just the happy hormones being released or whatever but he just makes it feel right. My boyfriend though, he doesn't give me anything much. I guess I know I deserve more, I don't know how much longer I can deprive myself of more especially with this new guy in my life. Life's not about concentrating on boys, I know, but I just want to maybe catch this guy before he finds someone. Then again, if we'll ever meet again, who knows? My current boyfriend is really gentle and understanding though, and he's put up with a bit so you know...

Hm, well I am watching a movie called On The Edge with Cillian Murphy in it, it sounds like it could be interesting. Definitely better than that Dark Water remake I just saw.