The Land Of The Oz

Three weeks on the other side of the world. It sounds cool, i'll get to see things I've wanted to see and experience since I was a kid and all. I hope my parents don't argue so much and it all turns out fine. What i'm not so okay with is what comes after I get back. It's scary, and it makes me feel like running away in the outback somewhere so I never have to return. It's okay though, i'm so happy that I can belong with him and that he loves me that much. I'm glad he does. So I guess I should continue with the packing and such, and i'll be posting when I'm back.

Beat Again.

I was looking at pictures and video of Canada '06 the other day, I wish I was back there. It's so breathtakingly amazing and free.

:(

i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here.

NOW.

I want freedom and I want it now!

The warm and inviting Med. please.

Movies

Coraline

&

Yes Man.

cold feet.

It's just a bit too odd that I get your texts and you don't get mine... unless your inbox is full? Maybe you don't want me, I don't know. Maybe you can't be bothered to change, or you may have someone else or just want to play the game so you can laugh at me at the end. I don't know, and I wish I did. Honestly, I really just feel the need for some comfort in my life. All the time it's about being on edge, not trusting, being careful who knows what and when. I hate being so emotional and drained at this time of the month. I just want someone's safe arms and kind words right now. I miss Rich so much, and he's suddenly in my dreams, my thoughts and my heart again. Anyway, my lower back hurts and I wish someone would be here to just hold me, massage me and give me some general attention and care. Meh.

Always Love.

Beautiful beat get me out of this mess
Beautiful beat lift me up from distress.

i love nada surf.

I just hope my aunt and jayden and maybe my uncle don't arrive tonight. and i wish he would stop avoiding talking to me. he hasn't shown me things will be different, he hasn't reciprocated the gesture of the picture I gave him when he said he would. Plus he's not changed, i can tell. Hasn't really given me much time or thought, so basically I'm giving up on him now but not letting him know just yet. He's a no gooder and I hope he always remains sad, pathetic and alone for the rest of his life because he doesn't deserve any more.

like an owl in a cage.

I want to be free.

burned out stars they shine so bright.

Doesn't he realise that I'm just being cautious, and after everything he's done and been; can he really blame me for being this way? I just want to make sure I'm okay first, and that I am in the right place for a relationship. The big thing is whether he has changed or not. I'm not signing up for the constant fights, lies and drama. I just want a nice, normal and loving; maybe nurturing relationship. And god knows why he loves me. But maybe that's just it. Maybe this is a Chuck and Blair situation where the chase and the game is all it is. Maybe he just wants to sleep with me and be done with me. Or maybe, when he's got me he won't want me anymore. Only he knows. Do I really want to be with someone so addicted to videogames? Who I may not be able to trust around other women, even if it's in a fake world.. or even going back to his old flames. He's the one who dropped the L-bomb. I was fine being friends, and loving as friends. He must've known that i'd have my own things to deal with first, right? Now that I know he wants to be with me, if it doesn't happen for whatever reason, i'll feel like i've missed out on something great. Because it's true, his love does a million and one positive things to me. But see, that's the other negative thing. I never want to lose him from my life, he's a good stable person and I always would want him as a friend..

Anyway, not exactly looking forward to spending time in london this following week. There'll be the awkwardness with the work experience chats and the loveless marriage. Plus I may have to do things and go places that make me uncomfortable because of Dean's religion. And oh yeah, Jayden better not be too badass and time taking. I want a bit of fun but without the hassle. I hope we don't all go out for a meal in the evening, ever. Maybe lunch, but that's about it. Well, good luck to me. A whole week.

The aftermath of a lie.

It's bliss, but it's empty bliss. Looking for apartments and such, it really brings the fear back into your core's attention. But you know, what's meant to happen will happen. Looks like we're going to Australia now except finance and accomodation are left to sort out before we head over to the other side of the world. I'm thinking this week, before I go off to London with my mother; I really should try and get my own help or go forth and do something, write a letter at least.

Things between the ex and I are quite on track, though you never know him and his back up plans. I really think we're making progress, talking it out and thinking. I'm melting with him, but obviously our ultimate decisions are yet to be .. well, decided. I need to start going back to my fitness regime since I think I keep gaining weight, ugh.

Apart from all that, it's all fineee.