I want to live, not merely survive. And I won't give up this dream of life that keeps me alive.

That looks like it could cheer me up, a giant Kit Kat. I think I'm going to make some hot chocolate, maybe get myself some birthday cake and snuggle up under the sheets. I don't want to be sick anymore, I'm too moody and down, plus it's coming to that time of the month so. I want the sore throat and headache to go away already!

My sickness and pain are pushing the ones I love the most away. It's like an outburst, it's not something that I can always control, though if I say so myself, I've been doing quite a good job of keeping it together and getting through. It's just the nights...

I've got my hot chocolate and am going to watch some Veronica Mars then The Big Bang Theory, and hopefully maybe fall asleep.

Where did I go right? How did I get you? How come all this blue sky is around me, and you found me?

I have a sore throat, I thought my mouth was just dry yesterday, but now it's proper sore and I have a headache. With that outbrake of the swine flu, it's scary. I mean, I was traveling with many people on the train yesterday that could have returned from an infected area. Eeep. But the media is just pushing it a bit I know, but still it is a real worry.

I miss the warmth and sun, this week it's mostly rain and the temperature has dropped. I miss blue skies and radiance, and hopefully it will be back soon. But then, if the last few years are anything to go by, the summer is only going to be full of rain. Turns out I don't need that hand held fan now, lol. It's almost the end of April and it's like things are really moving on. I've basically got all the details to my exams so I just need to talk to someone to sort out Special Situations or whatever. We played a bout of Who Wants To Be A Biological Psychology Millionaire. I actually was surprised that I'd remembered more than I thought, I got about 85-90% of the quiz right and I was happy. Just some of the harder questions I have to remember, but I definitely think I can pass. I really should go see my tutor though, make sure I can actually sit the exams.

Well, I'm having frozen food for dinner, making sure I drink plenty of fluids for my sore throat. Probably have yoghurt or cake for afters. I actually forgot my cheese, milk and plain yoghurt at home. Grr. I'm hungry after seeing a calzone on Hollyoaks, haha. Should go eat after it.

I'm so thankful that I have a boyfriend so kind and understanding. He says i'm not to blame for my issues and problems and that he'll always support me and care for me. I'm so glad we're together and that everything's cool. It makes me smile and want to give so much, that I have this love, that it's everything i've dreamed of. I'm finally getting something big. I appreciate it more than anything, I love him more than anything. We say that and we mean it, truly mean it. I'm never letting it go, no matter what.

Hello, to high and dry.

The weekend was good and tiring. I didn't want to come back though, I know and I dread having to sort things out this week. It's a scary thing though, I feel so sorry for P that her dad died and everything and it's so close to the exams. It's just so heartbreaking and I really feel for her. Life is just a complex ordeal when it doesn't have to be. Jobs, money, war, time. These are all unecessary things that we need to get rid of. The world really needs to change for the better.

Haha, can't believe Heidi is now a Pratt. Good luck to them! I wanna be with my guy right now, just all lovey dovey, holding his hand, being in his arms, snuggling up and kissing him. I cannot wait for June, I wish it was now already. He makes me feel so loved and beautiful and everything. It's amazing. It's funny how everything I stand for and believe in, and am passionate about is what's finally happening to me. Love.

It was nice having a good laugh and some good food; and all that. I even got some of my favourite Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice cream. Going to have some Nutella with banana's this week too. Yumyum. Yeah, and on the train my mp3 player went dead a quarter way through the journey so I was bored and sleepy all the way. I couldn't get my bag out from under the seat and this strong guy helped me so quickly because obviously I didn't want to miss my stop. I thanked him and smiled, that's what they call bystander behaviour. I was glad to see it and for him to come to my rescue.

Anyway, I'm watching this movie called Green Card with Gerard Depardieu and then I'm off to bed. Two lectures tomorrow and birthday cake and everything!

There's no point in thinking about yesterday, it will never be the same.

It's funny how when you're a kid, you want to be all grown up. I didn't realise myself that childhood was supposed to be the most happiest and fun time of your life. Now I've only got studies and a job and a family, bills and all that to look forward to. I miss innocence and not having to worry. I miss parties and fun trips out, the laughter at the silliest things, making up rude words and always getting treats and love. Cutsie love.

I actually bought myself a birthday cake. Mmm, oh how I miss the traditional birthday cake with jam and icing. So I thought to myself, why ever not? Tesco's has gotten rubbish lately, they don't have some stuff anymore. No pizza bases?! pfft. I got Pop Tarts though :D ! Strawberry flavoured, but there was only 8 for like £2.35. I need to try them though!

Hoovered, put out some new lights and am now trying to sort out some food. Preparations and such. I hope the weather gets warm and the sun peeks out again! But yeah, life is much more harder and boring... I wish I could be somewhat like Peter Pan. Not growing up, pretending to be like a kid would be fun. I just want to feel alive instead of having a sinking feeling and having to deal with daily life. Listening to Avril Lavigne and getting on with it. Another person who I grew up listening too, she inspired me by the lyrics she made, the way she dressed and spoke out loud. Plus I could relate.

I'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me.

Allie Crandell is a lovely model :)
I wish I was a model sometimes, if only I were inches taller and had more confidence. It would be nice, getting dressed up, photoshoots, magazines and the schmoozing, fashion shows and all that. Lifestyles, life choices, privilages; it's all complex.

Dinner party tomorrow, didn't realise 12 people were coming lol. We were trying to put lights out behind the fountain, ones that have sequences and look pretty illuminating the garden. Yes, I hope the weather will be good tomorrow because I have a garden to wander around in! Haha. It's already too warm for my liking, need a fan please! Anyway, coming back from that tanegnt, we finally got the lights untangled and stretched, but the lights didn't work! Cheapo's anyway lol.
There's one spotlight out there anyway.

So I'm sleeping on an average sofabed, big day tomorrow.

Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you only you can let it in.

There are things no one will listen to, we need a serious change in the world. An extravagant, worldwide change that will benefit all of us. We can see that we can't rely on the government, people in power get too selfish and they take advantage of their situations with unecessary expenses. In a world where money causes so many problems, we should use a different method to live by. There should be freedom to travel all over (with security checks) of course. There should be better teaching, parents should be strictly watched over how they raise their children because everyone deserves a fulfilling life and such. The hungry should get food, the poor should get some equality. We shouldn't live and breathe money and power and the way we do. Materials are the word, things are important but they shouldn't be. All we need is to restore the beauty of the earth and enjoy it. Working shouldn't be compulsory, the way the world works needs to change. Everyone should be more or less content.

It's nice having good weather, it makes me appreciate everything more and more. I feel the need to get away from all the world has turned into. Just be free and breathe, and be.

You can't turn back, because this road is all you'll ever have.

It would certainly be cool to be back in NYC right now, before the major heat ploughs through the city and being stuck in traffic is another hell. The City starring Whitney Port just reminds me of that fashonista kind of lifestyle which would be nice but hectic. I see these things on TV and imagine up a time where one day i'll go there and behave like that, have fun like that. But in reality, it's not exactly possible; and an even more long shot when thinking about what's going on with me right now. Traveling to far off destinations where everything is new and exciting is just captivating to the mind, it's something new and different, and feels like a much better place than this country. But every country has their quirks and charm, every country also has their problems and cultural weirdness. However, to me, all of these places are wonderous places where I can breathe. I long for that feeling again.

I only hope Alaska and/or Australia are on the cards this summer.

Which way to go from now? It's a crossroads and I'm unsure how to get through the paths. If I continue going on this road then the future will be messed up because i'll still have the problems, it's just finding a way to speak out and say I'm lost that is the most difficult task. I wish, I always think about how if things had been done differently in the past that I would be better off, and I wouldn't be here; but it's too late to keep thinking about that now since there is nothing I can do about the past.

I want to live life and have fun. I hope it is possible.

We Can Live On The Sun And We Wouldn't Be Attractive.

So, I decided that since I gave in to twitter, I shall now give in to Blogger too. I think I need a nice new blog, writing is a lovely escape.

So we'll be having an Italian night this Saturday when I go back home. Ria and her mum are coming, and maybe Rach. I wanted macoroni and cheeeese! No fair. I don't know, this time that I came back here; I feel like I miss everything over there. It's kinda lonely over here, especially with no private garden to sit out at. The weather is so gorgeous it's amazing, I should ask for ice cream.... I actually think there's a Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice cream tub in the freezer that Sarah never ate! lol.

I love the beach.