burned out stars they shine so bright.

Doesn't he realise that I'm just being cautious, and after everything he's done and been; can he really blame me for being this way? I just want to make sure I'm okay first, and that I am in the right place for a relationship. The big thing is whether he has changed or not. I'm not signing up for the constant fights, lies and drama. I just want a nice, normal and loving; maybe nurturing relationship. And god knows why he loves me. But maybe that's just it. Maybe this is a Chuck and Blair situation where the chase and the game is all it is. Maybe he just wants to sleep with me and be done with me. Or maybe, when he's got me he won't want me anymore. Only he knows. Do I really want to be with someone so addicted to videogames? Who I may not be able to trust around other women, even if it's in a fake world.. or even going back to his old flames. He's the one who dropped the L-bomb. I was fine being friends, and loving as friends. He must've known that i'd have my own things to deal with first, right? Now that I know he wants to be with me, if it doesn't happen for whatever reason, i'll feel like i've missed out on something great. Because it's true, his love does a million and one positive things to me. But see, that's the other negative thing. I never want to lose him from my life, he's a good stable person and I always would want him as a friend..

Anyway, not exactly looking forward to spending time in london this following week. There'll be the awkwardness with the work experience chats and the loveless marriage. Plus I may have to do things and go places that make me uncomfortable because of Dean's religion. And oh yeah, Jayden better not be too badass and time taking. I want a bit of fun but without the hassle. I hope we don't all go out for a meal in the evening, ever. Maybe lunch, but that's about it. Well, good luck to me. A whole week.

The aftermath of a lie.

It's bliss, but it's empty bliss. Looking for apartments and such, it really brings the fear back into your core's attention. But you know, what's meant to happen will happen. Looks like we're going to Australia now except finance and accomodation are left to sort out before we head over to the other side of the world. I'm thinking this week, before I go off to London with my mother; I really should try and get my own help or go forth and do something, write a letter at least.

Things between the ex and I are quite on track, though you never know him and his back up plans. I really think we're making progress, talking it out and thinking. I'm melting with him, but obviously our ultimate decisions are yet to be .. well, decided. I need to start going back to my fitness regime since I think I keep gaining weight, ugh.

Apart from all that, it's all fineee.

It's looming above, like a dark rope waiting for the execution.

I got to talk to him, you can tell he still cares but I really think he wanted to do that from afar. But you know, I feel calmer in myself because he is back around so surely he can see he's helping in that way. I just wish I didn't feel a bit awkward when we talk, his reluctance all this time doesn't really help. I'm honestly wondering how he and Michelle faired, how they became good friends and such if he's like this. I'm guessing that maybe he's intimidated by the fact that i'm so young and hot, and also have intelligence, power and money in my favour already. Plus the fact i'm cultured and all the other things I take interest in.
To him, it's possible he thinks we're from two completely different worlds but little does he know the truth about that. With Michelle though, same country, same grounding, age and days of work. Interests is something we can find if we talk. Grr, I just wish us closer somehow.

Anyway, since the end of the week is seriously coming now, I'm scared and I'm wondering exactly when to blurt it out to my mother. I'm not sure I can do it. What if I leave it until the last minute, or worse, lie about it? I have no clue how to do this, or about what's going to happen after I do, or if I cover the truth. It's the hardest thing in all of my life pretty much. Kind of wish I had some real support. My mother and possibly father aren't going to be enough. Especially when we disagree on how to handle this. I'm scared about how they'll see me, what they'll think or do; how they may treat me. I'm scared of tests and talks and diagnoses. I'm not even sure I can openly talk, or whether I really want to know what's wrong. What if they misdiagnose? What if drugs are involved? And as for my future, another shot at uni? Moving away? Maybe I'll be their shame.
Then there's what the extended family will think, how they'll laugh at me, or whatever they may do. Maybe i'll be sent to an institution where they'll pull it all out of me unknowingly. I'm just so freaking out about it.

But yes, I saw him come online on his phone then back to invisible again. Wonder what that was about and why he's still invisible on his own yahoo messenger. I thought if you signed in on another device it signed you out of the one you're already signed into? Hmm.

Time to go.

Wake Up, Little Sparrow.

It's days like these that have a bittersweet taste to your view of the world.
It's the end of normality, nothing left to fight for there. Everyone was just a gameplayer and I guess the game ended out of ... well lets say, there were other enticing games. I wonder if he truly has been getting real help or whether he's bluffing. Not sure as to his reasons why he doesn't want me in his life. But that's okay now, I know what I've got to do. And I will make a promise that if things go sour, I will indeed humiliate him. I sound like Blair Waldorf here, but that's basically the gaming life she led too.

Anyway, about my day. I got persuaded to go out with my mother for a while. She thinks I should smile, be happy and that I will draw more of that towards me. If only she knew what a mother should never know. And that's the thing, how am I going to tell her? And explain the word "terminate." It's harsh, cold and tough. I guess I don't have guts anymore. I love her dearly, but she's even noticed that I'm happier and stuff when we were away... so why can't she help me? Why can't I be more receptive? The ironic thing she said though, she was saying how maybe we should move away, she was joking of course.. But hey, little does she know what is best. She never did my whole life, or even before she took those vows to marry into such a guilty pleasure.

We just went a few places she wanted to go. Nothing big, bought some stuff she wanted to buy, and well, it was sunny and warm-ish so at least I got to go out for a little while. The one thing that's left to do, is the one thing I'm afraid to do. And I don't even have a reason as to why I'm afraid. I know I don't believe in my future, so, well I need to force myself. Force. That's the word.

prêt-à-porter.

I wanna leave but the world won't let me go.

Yesterday was the Michael Jackson memorial which I saw in bits. My mother and I were enjoying a game of cards and the laughter that went with it. It was definitely nice to have that time with my mother. I just knew after I left her room that it's all lovely to have those moments but I do need a real solid plan, a next step as it were. I'm so uneasy about the next few days, it's weirding me out. Today I talked to Andy, it's now all on him where our relationship goes, and that's a hard thing to know. The fate of us lies in his hands. I mean, I really just want a good, stable relationship; a friend if nothing else. Everything's scary so we'll see how things go. This is not how I imagined my summer though, things should be more brought forward.

Wells, until the next write.

Every Day Should Be A Holiday.

Being in Italy was amazing. Venice, Lake Garda/Sirmione, Verona and Lido Di Jesolo.

Day one:
We arrived at about lunch and hung about in the room for an hour. It had a lovely balcony overlooking the sea and part of the beach with one of the many piers. It was tiring having to wake up at 3am just to get to the airport for our 6am flight. It was only 2 hours and there was a small TV with set programmes. I just listened to my mp3 player and stared out the window. It was amazing seeing the Alps passing by, wishing I had brought my phone to take pictures.
So we ended up going out and exploring the place (town wise.) Lido Di Jesolo is primarily a touristy/holiday making place, because the beaches there are man-made. So basically there were loads of shops going every which way and Piazza's in between. We had a good walk to and past Piazza Aurora, but as it was Siesta time hardly any shops were open. Of course there is humidity in Italy, so we then decided to head to the beach. We soon discovered that each hotel/villa had it's own clearly marked out beach space with signs on each side. And there were huts selling snacks and drinks along the whole beach, got some chips for our quick lunch. Found out that a sunbed costs you money and that the chairs are free, so we got three of them and sat down in the sun for a bit. It was nice and calming, an air of serenity was in the air; just being on the beach, sand in my shoes and the sound of people having fun in the sea. Street sellers were walking up and down the beach trying to make sales off knock off things (fake.) Apparently the law is reversed there, the people who buy dodgy stuff are the ones that can get prosecuted; and not the sellers. They probably have too much of a problem with that.
Time went by so fast as 6pm fast approached. Decided to then head up and take showers and get ready for dinner as we were on half board. They had lovely risotto dishes and pasta. Had a few veggies too, haha. Gorgeous cake for dessert and melon too! Walked it all off and trawled down the long road of shops the opposite way of Piazza Aurora this time. After a way all the shops kind of got the same, so we turned back and headed for bed as we were all tired.

Day two:
Awoke earlyish and got ready for breakfast which was between 7:15am-10am. I had a croissant filled with some jellyish substance and a banana yoghurt and melon. We didn't do so much and just hung out in the room until it was time to go down for the rep's meeting. Her name was Nicola and she had huuuuge breasts that because I was so sleepy, I couldn't help but notice them some. We decided we were going to do the organised trips to Venice and Lake Garda/Sirmione and Verona. The Dolomites was a democratic vote and won 2 against 1 for us not to go. Can do that some other time I guess. But we just went for a walk along the beach up until the lighthouse. Then came back and relaxed some, played some cards. I was starting to really get into the book called The Shack by WM Paul Young. God is apparently a woman named "Papa." Haha, but it's an interesting and flowing read. Caught some sun rays and tunes. There weren't waves though, it's just the start of the holiday season so there also weren't too many kids. Italian's, especially the older generation do hang out there in the summer too.
We just had snacks for lunch and never bothered with doing much. The pool wasn't that amazing so we didn't want to bother with that. Another half day spent on the beach went by kinda fast. There were kite sellers showing off some handfuls of kites along the front of the beach, and makeshift motor stalls/food and drink huts. It was a nice thing to see, though these people mustn't be doing great. Had an amazing cappuccino by the beach before heading in for the evening. The evening entailed pretty much the same thing, except me resisting to sit down for a long drink as I was too tired.

Day three:
I think, and everyone else ended up thinking that we should have gone and done the Dolomite's and Cortina trip. This day dragged a little, and we ended up getting chips and an ice lolly for lunch. Walked around the shops again, just before siesta time. Btw, breakfast was pretty much consistent, with me sometimes having a pancake with Nutella. Got a crepe with nutella once too. And obviously some ice cream. Just lazed around on the beach otherwise and the general normal thing. We had done a lot of walking and continued to do so, so it was kind of nice and healthy for us. Especially with all the rich food we were consuming. We headed out early after dinner and got back around 11 after eating a chocolate bar on a sunbed on the beach, to go straight to bed as tomorrow was the Venice trip leaving at 8:30am from Piazza Aurora.

Day four:
Woke up at 7ish and got ready, just about had time to rush some breakfast and head to the Piazza to get on the coach. There was this half Glaswegian, half Italian man as the tour guide and it was kind of amusing. We had a small coach ride to the harbour and then an hour's boat ride to Venice. This girl and her mother sat behind us on the boat, and she was from Blackburn and studying in Leeds and her mum was saying how Manchester's shit and how it's all deprived and she would want her daughter to move far away when she graduates. I was like, yeah, listen to that haha. So the tour guide had to give us the history on the boat because apparently you need a permit and stuff to do it in the actual city of Venice because otherwise they'd be taking the tour guide's job that are already there. We basically walked with him to the main Piazza, which was miles away from where we got off the boat. We were parading in a group through the narrow alleyways and over bridges (with many steps.) Finally, seven staircases and some designer shops later we were in the main Piazza. It was nice seeing a city on the water, quite an original and awing thing. Had some ice cream as we had 20 minutes on our own. We got to see the square and just walk around a little, not much else because of the time limit. They were setting up a stage and stuff for a concert or something in the main Piazza. Then moving on to the glass making factory where they use Murano glass and make swans and nice jewelry. Obviously it was an opportunity for them to be able to sell things, but yeah whatevs. The glass making was sooo unbelievably hot, and in that heat it really irritated me. After all that, we had 3 hours to ourselves and we did the church. We actually headed up there at like 2pm, so the bells were ringing. Ouch. But the views were amazing and it was nice and cool up there. Venice totally looks like a concrete jungle from above. Only if you're down in there you realise that it's a place on water. So after the church we went onto doing the Basilica. There were long queues and it took us absolute ages to get there. M couldn't get in because she had a bag on her and the oh so terrible risk of her hiding in a camera to secretly film or something haha, so us 2 went. It was just another church, obviously not as spectacular as Rome. But nonetheless.
Ended up walking around the main Piazza and looking all around the streets, one where they had a spiral staircase church that was the inspiration of the leaning tower. Apart from that, we grabbed a slice of gorgeous pizza from a shop and sat down for a quick munch. Carrying on we then headed to go on the gondola's. Since there was a group, we all split up into 6's and that's how we were able to afford it. Going on the gondola through the streets of Venice, next to Rialtto Bridge and into the Grand Canal was such an amazing experience. All the while, sipping champagne and thinking about how people back then used to use the transportation. It was just a nice, tranquil journey that I will never forget. The gondolier pushing his leg against a hotel wall to steer us in the right direction haha.
We got back to the hotel just before dinner, did our usual at night but called it an earlyish one since we'd been up and about all day.

Day five:
Got up a little later this day, about 9ish and quickly headed for breakfast. The maid was still cleaning our room when we got back so we had to wait for a bit and we bumped into Nicola in the lobby which was kind of awkward, apparently because we don't ask the usual questions such as where the bars are and how cheap the drinks can get. Haha. We beached some and then it was too hot and there wasn't any breeze so we decided to head into the hotel room for a couple of hours. Since P decided to sleep, us 2 went out in search of food and for a walk so as not to get bored. Ended up sharing a pizza and getting a fanta. Just walked some and then headed back to the hotel room and went on the beach again. Had another cappuccino before coming back in and then the usual dinnertime and walk occurred. This time though, ended up buying a nice brown leather jacket for myself. It's been hard finding one over here that looks good on me and that I like, so a real Italian leather and perfect fit one was amazing. Bargained it down to £500 and that was that. Over in Piazza Aurora there was something going on at the stage there, some manly choir singing or something and we had a quick look at that.

Day six:
Had to wake up even earlier today to head to Verona and Lake Garda/Sirmione. It was horrible waking to 6:45am and a 10 minute shower because M took too long with hers. Skipped breakfast, and it was way too early to eat anyway. At piazza Aurora there were two coaches and we were being split into two groups according to which hotel we were from. The half Glaswegian, half Italian guy was in the other coach and we were with a British tour guide called Chris (he was hot, all I want from a man-cultured and nice haha.) We had a two hour drive before a pit stop and I got some crisps and water for my breakfast. Got to Verona an hour later and we came upon these two large walls which were basically the old city walls and they were so tall and wide it was pretty cool. A giant wall not to protect, but to show off really. Apparently that's what all the Venetians seemed to do-try and look better than the other families, more flash and stuff. We had 3 hours in Verona and boy did they go just like that. Firstly we were directed to Juliet's balcony. The story of Romeo and Juliet is obviously Shakespeare's work of fiction, however the Montague and Capulet families were real and they were feuding. No one knows if Romeo and Juliet actually existed but the balcony was obviously made for tourists. They were filming a movie called Letters To Juliet which should be out sometime next year and so they had covered up the famous wall where everyone writes love notes to people on. Shame I didn't get to see it, but I can't wait for the movie to come out and say I was there whilst they were filming! Haha. I looked it up and apparently it's Amanda Seyfried's new one. So yay! Whilst there, there was this little info centre we ended up going to and sending free email postcards from Verona (turns out hotmail doesn't even like them, so blah.) Afterwards, we just walked around, saw a church, looked at a few sights. Unlike Venice, Verona is still very much a lively city that doesn't rely on tourism so much so it was like a natural city. Pont Neuf bridge was exhausting to get to and once on the other side we just saw little bits. There was a broken up amphitheatre called Theatro Romano which we just looked at from the outside as there was a hefty charge to go inside and it clearly wasn't worth it. On the way back, crossing the road M forgot that the roads are different in Italy and came out when a biker suddenly screeched to a halt just before her. That was scary because she definitely could have gotten killed. :/
Anyways, Juliet's tomb was being renovated/covered for filming purposes.. that was one of things I was looking forward to seeing! Pfft. Another hot day, so we decided that time was running short and to head back and see the main amphitheatre, the one where famous people from the Opera perform and stuff. It was amazing, last time I did something like that was many years ago. There were huge roses and a lovely garden set on stage, it was intriguing as to what performance was going to go down there. Walked to the middle balcony of the amphitheatre first and P took pictures, then headed right to the top. They have giant steps, I really don't know how the Romans did it, it was scary for me walking up and getting back down. The view was cool and as we sat on the burning hot step at the top I imagined what it would have been like to have been in a Roman crowd watching a good chariot race or gladiator fight. Before too long we headed to a self-service restaurant, had a quick pizza and Pepsi Twist and then headed back to the walls of the city to get back on the coach.
Chris had talked the whole way through the journey in the morning, and he continued to do so on the 45 minute journey to Sirmione in Lake Garda. But it was definitely inspiring hearing about how the Venetians used to live and things. It was still hot and humid when we reached Lake Garda, and we firstly had 20 minutes in which the three of us just had a little rest in the shade. Wasn't much point exploring when a boat ride awaited us. It was cooling and nice to see a turquoise blue lake, the Adriatic Sea is hardly blue after all, and Venice is obviously dirty water, sewage systems and all. But yeah, it was hazy so it wasn't too amazing, but we could see the old castle, the hot springs bubbling up from the lake and hotels that thrived off of it for spas. We actually went into the entrance of the castle as it was watered up and then headed back for land.
On our departure from the lake, we explored the town, the castle. Got some famous million flavoured Sirmione ice cream which was chilling to the core and extravagant to say the least. It was nice, chocolate and caramel for first rounds and after M got a replica but cheaper version of the Bvlgari necklace and earrings to match her ring, we got another round of ice cream. This time I got double strawberry, which had the real texture and flavour of real strawberries and M had a slightly nice lemon and watermelon combo. P decided to have a slice of pizza haha. We saw the lake a little more and then walked some before time was heading to the end.
Journeying back was quiet, and we had some fun with a raffle and the prize was a bottle of alcohol. Didn't win it though, but pretty much everyone fell asleep on the way back whilst I listened to my mp3 player and wondered a million things by looking around outside.
An eventful day, so little happened other than the usual in the evening. Got to walk on the pier and see the tons of crabs there though. Was a nice sight when the sky merged with the sea and the light was fading.

Day seven:
A kind of relaxing day. We had breakfast and then headed out walking the other side of the beach. It was a very long walk, when we finally reached the white hut where the sand sculptures of Dante's Inferno were on display. They were incredulous forms of art and it was worth the £2. All the forms of sin including "The Suicides" on their journey to hell. I must read the canto's of Dante's Inferno at some point. We had to walk all the way back the way we came, but they chose to take the route via the shops. Tasted some yoghurt ice cream which wasn't a great experience, M ended up asking for some Nutella on top. We passed a glasses shop and M was being a biatch about things there, so that kind of spoiled the mood of the day. But afterwards, we came across the fountains we hadn't seen and they had little shoots of cold air/droplets of water that you could stand in to get cool and we had a go at that. It was a nice atmosphere and stuff there, so after some beaching for the rest of the day. M wanted to try the pool but she ended up just going in the sea, we had some snacks and then headed in to have our final dinner there. Packed most of our things and then had a candle lit dinner. We had been invited to go to this cocktail party (like a hotel hosted in the old days) but we didn't fancy going before dinner.
Saw some shops at night, then walked to a far Piazza and saw a band from Sweden performing in the square on a stage. After some more shopping, we ended the night by sitting across the stage and sipping a Diet Coke in the open air. It was lovely taking in the atmosphere, the warm air and people bustling around. Not a scene you'd experience in England ever, because it's never that warm or clear! Anyways, it took me ages and filled me right up to finish that Diet Coke so I never ended up eating my final crepe. Haha. But yeah, at this Pub place called The Black Cat, the Thomson crew were having a quiz night and we saw Nicola hosting it. We didn't bother to join in, just walked back, packed up and went to bed.

Final morning:
Had to be checked out by 7:30 am. P had settled the bill the previous night, so we just had to hand in the key. It was sad to leave, as we got on the coach and took an hour's journey back to the airport. I just stared out the window all the way, the uneasy and sad feelings surfacing. M could tell that I was feeling down about it, so she tried to distract me. Got there, checked in and all that. Had some time, so I got a croissant and a cappucino as I was starving. All the magazines were in Italian so boo. Flight back wasn't bad, just watched a bit of the TV, listened to my mp3 player, felt sad and also said goodbye to the Dolomites, Alps and Italy.