Birds chirping, crows cawing.

So it's his birthday today. 36, it just doesn't sound right. It sounds weird. Like it can't be true. But gosh, it is. He wrote me this thing about how he wants to strip search me (after his love of the cop show SVU.) It made me smile, and it was a good way to wake up today. Nothing much else has happened, I haven't cleaned my room/the bathroom yet. Just watching some VM and stuff. Not sure what my big plan is, but then... you know....

asdjkehfks.

It's A Motion City.

I want to be by a pool like that, or a beach. I really just want to get away. This weather has got me wanting more sun and warmth. Get away from life, the normal stuff. Forget it all for a while. I hope we can get to go somewhere like the Maldives; even if only for a week.

Don't understand him at all. All I said was to be friends, so he can talk and let me help him with whatever's going on with him and his insecurities and such. But now he's saying some things and i'm not quite sure if he means he just wants to make sure he wants a romantic relationship with me, or whether he wants to be friends, let me help and then we take it from there. It's a little confusing and annoying, because although I don't want to be alone and all, I feel okay without him. He's just doing sad things like usual and letting life pass him by, and I don't want someone like that. I'll help and be a friend, but I wish he'd just make his mind up.

So I watched the movie The First Daughter. Toy Story's on now (cute reminder of childhood!) and i'm only watching it until the BGT final. There are movies on later too. Thinking of making tortilla wraps for dinner, and i've been listening to a hell of a lot of Motion City Soundtrack.

Beaches and seas, waves and the lovely lovely lovely swings.

Amazingz.

Lifehouse, lighthouse. Pretty b l u e.

Oh how I miss thee, Canada.

Summer is the best season.

Things are looking better. But like in the picture, there's something eerie maybe hanging on the air. I stayed home for another day, luckily. But I'm going back tonight and then things will be different. I'm going to really try, need to sort out accomodation and help and things. I have two weeks now and things could just turn around for me. Though I think I need to be brave and serious but pretend i'm having fun haha.

Just be careful, he may be leading you on and then end up crushing your hopes again.

You bleed before you die.

This is officially my only public blog from now on.
I'm POOF'd everywhere else.
Those sicko's can have their own insane psychoses and leave me to my own, private life. I want to be me again, I like this little break away from the norm. I don't want to leave, but then, I have no choice from tomorrow. I wonder what the new life will be like....

Guess there's one road now,
one path left.

Don't screw this one up.

Nevermind The Buttocks.

(:

Bliss.

Aftermaths and Sorrowness. "But I'm free!" she exclaimed.

He's wishing he has me now. He keeps pulling me back into his life, then letting me go again. I was being nice, he was being okay. Then he has to screw it up again. I said I'd continue being in his life as a friend, and as a friend he should know what lines not to cross. So anyways, he gets home from work and he asks if there's anything he can do to help me sleep. He obviously isn't going to talk to me about his little crisis, and so I tell him he can go on cam for me seeing as he is a friend. But no, the response is "only when you're my gf." So I start to get pissed off, he cannot be selfless, but someone else and their needs/feelings before his for once. He then continues to be demeaning and asks what's the problem. I tell him there is no problem, so he says "oh, so there's no problem, that's why you're still not asleep." And then the verbal vomit came out from both sides. He kept calling me a c**t and a bi**h. So I said goodbye, he said his problems were solved and that there was no reason for me to be in his life anymore. I said i'd be glad to leave, that I don't want this kind of shit in my life.
So then, get this. He starts saying "Don't go, don't leave. I was going to tell you about my issues this weekend and ask you to help. I need you in my life.." and all this complete contradiction. I said no and goodbye forever. Better off without that idiot in my life, I am going to keep him out. The bars are there, always there. He's never truly getting back in. I'm over all of that. I'm good, and far better than him. It will all be good. His loss.

My Girl.

Just as I was falling out of love with him and thinking of breaking up with him after giving him many chances to improve with all of those failing. He comes home Saturday (really late, because he was avoiding and probably playing videogames or whatever) and just because I kept signing into his Yahoo, he broke up with me. Lol, I think it's hilarious. So I blurted everything mean I've ever wanted to say to him, and he finally admitted that he was the one with the problem and that he's going through some sort of a crisis. Yet, it's funny because he wants to have me back once he's sorted out his issues or whatever and he's already added Bethany back on his myspazz. Meaning, he was probably always talking to her, even though he'll further deny it even now. I guess he is still hung up on finding out about his ex all of the time. He says he doesn't know who he is anymore, that he doesn't know what he wants. It's funny considering he's been the complete dickhead he normally is to me, even when trying to keep me on side. Plus, I think he was lying when he said that he wanted to get away and see his family at the weekend because he thought it would help him. I think that because he was probably just having a weekend free of me, that he was playing videogames and doing childish things with his friends, playing with his boy toys, seeing the new Star Nerd movie and all.

Well anyway, i'm holding up well. I've been telling him where to stick his apologies and everything. We've been through this too many times now, it's definitely time to move on for sure. He is some dead-ender, I am a lot better than that and I have a lot more to come in my life. It's been good, a kind of strong, kick-ass Buffy-esque time. (:

I just wish I could sleep properly. Maybe it's stress and worry over the 3 hour stats exam on Tuesday. Why?! I mean, why have a three hour exam in the evening. That's the worst time for the brain! Gosh. They call themselves scientists. xP

Eurovision = Tunnel vision. I'd rather watch Britain's Got Talent!

Well, ello.
Today, a sudden monsoon happened. And then the sun came out for a little while. I wish the weather would make its mind up and stay nice and warm, bearable. Maybe mix in a few light showers, so I can go walking in the rain too sometimes.

I cleaned the rest of the kitchen, I chucked some things in the wash and basically didn't do a lot else. Last night I was watching this movie called Saved! with Jena Malone in it. Thumbsup! Haha. It beats worrying my mind to death all night/early morning. I've been listening to a lot of music today, some bands and solo artists I left behind somewhere. It was nice catching up with them lol.

The Eurovision Song Contest came about again this evening. Norway won, but we were actually in the top 5 this year. No more nil points! I liked Lordi when they won. They weren't bad at all actually. I only watched a little bit of it for curiosity's sake. I was more engrossed in BGT and CSI:NY. Watched some VM earlier. Yeah, that's pretty much stuff.

So he said he'd be back by now. He isn't back (or he's hiding from me.) Well, at least I don't have to deal with him right now, yeah? Some of the things...
I don't know if this is going to work out anymore. Gah.

I'm tres tired, and I had a cappucino which probably wasn't a good idea at all. Caffeine makes me feel worse, and I already feel worse. Maybe it's going to be another fantastic(!) night. Ahhh. I'd rather be on one of those sun loungers in Cuba, under the stars so bright. A whole, wonderous sky of them. That would be amazing, sipping my lemon juice and smiling, listening to the air and the buzz back inside of the evening entertainment. I miss Cuba. I miss getting away, being away. I also miss banana flambes (pictured above.) Oh, that syrup full of rum. That sweet sweet taste, the wholesome ice cream to go with. Ahhh, scrumptious. Here, they are not unheard of, but they are rare. I didn't have a decent dessert today, maybe that's why I have a huge longing. lol

:EDIT:
I just found out that I can't have symbols on this blog. GREAT(!)

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Lolz.

Oh yeah, maybe I'm falling out of love?

Only one text today. None "on the journey." Pfft. I had to clean the flat today. Still half undone because CERTAIN PEOPLE are still using the kitchen.

Ahh.
Crap life.
Crap love.

You're supposed to care, but you never make me scream. You never make me scream.

That picture reminds me of the car on the (frozen) lake in American Gods. I want to read that again some time soon. I really want to grab a car, if only I knew how to drive, and in the US at that. I'd drive all over, visit my friends from there, just enjoy that quirky towns, the scenery and culture. Plus, I'd get fat i'm sure. All the DQ's and Taco Bells on the road. I'd take many pictures, I'd be able to breathe and smile and lots of lovely things. I also want to visit mainland Greece too. I think I may be going to some place like the Maldives this summer (before they sink, apparently.) And Australia in September, hopefully.

Well, the boyfriend's off visiting his family in SC this weekend. He promised he'd text lots and that he'd message on myspace. Only one message and one text throughout the whole of the day. The text read, "My cousin's taking me to the beach, wish you could be here and come with me." All the while i'm actually feeling worse, and I don't know about the sleeping thing anymore. He's not very selfless, he knows something's up and yet he'd rather have fun than think about me and what I must be going through. Take, take, take.

Anywaysss, it is my cleaning week and I should really hoover and stuffs. Someone left a nice big stain on the hob AND in the microwave for me to clean. Ugh. I should get some frozen pizza, some ready food and a fizzy drink. The bread can wait till next week. Should really eat more frozen food, pasta and use up the tins. Plus try poptarts and eat more popcorn!

I don't know, I don't write much cool stuff again. I should try and attempt another story soon. It would be cool.

So I'm gonna stop now.
And do something else.
Maybe write a message to someone and then head to bed.

Kai.
Nite.

1 down, 3 to goooo!

CAKE! TO CELEBRATE!
NO MORE BIOPSYCHOLOGY UNTIL OCTOBER/JANUARY!

Things are things.
People are people.
I've been waking up early, 9 am every day! Let's hope I can keep it up.

I've still got drafts I haven't published, but I need to eat + chill + then study moar!
Next exam is next Tuesday!

Gah.
Always rushrushrush!

P.S. I think I found a childhood friend on Facebook!

The brain, brain, brain, brain!

Zomgz!
This.
IZ.
a lifesaver!

I love how educational cartoons like that used to be (even subtly.)
Should eat me some caramel/cinnamon ice cream tomorrow!

P.S. I've got to work on those drafts.

P.P.S. MUST revise!

When they can't find you you'll turn into a mystery, but you're no mystery to me.

So things are peaceful, things are nice when you're finally inspired. It's like a buzz, a feeling of complete contentment no matter how much other feeling there is beside it. I was going to move onto better things, more advanced people. She always said I'd outgrow him and move onto better things, she was right. But then, he swept me off my feet. He feels a lot like home, to be honest. He knows, and I do choose to talk to him over anyone else. Plus he's said he'll improve; meaning I go first before video games etc. He's been doing a good job of maintaining it too, but he needs to remember to continue improving and not just stop after a week, or a month or whatever. He actually had some pretty decent conversations with me too, so it's looking good. The other guy will have to take a back seat for now. He's a crazy one anyway.

So i'm at my parents' place until Monday. Weekend full of revision, nice-ish weather and spending time with my parents. It's more relaxed leaving on Monday, it's good to have a little bit of extra time in the care of the ones who love you the most. I like looking outside the dining room window/patio door at the blue sky above. Mum and I snuck some Domino's pizza after my appointment. We had the Veggie Supreme, she had jalapeno's on her half of the pizza & we got a bottle of Diet Coke to share. We basically sat in the car, it was very windy so I didn't feel like getting back out to get the pizza. We just scoffed ourselves in the car, it was a nice mother-daughter thing haha.

Ah wells, that's my update for now.

I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun.

The soul is awakened at 6 am, ready for a day full of enjoyment - a road trip awaiting. Grab a mug from the kitchen cupboard and seamlessly flick the switch to boil the water in the kettle whilst rummaging for the coffee beans on the top shelf somewhere. Oh, how I wish I drank coffee. Wiping the sleep from your eyes, you softly pour the rest of last nights wine into the sink from the glass. While you hear the sound of the water coming to an almost boil, you get distracted by the window behind the sink that lets you gaze upon a beautiful summers day. The air is calm, the grass is lush and green, and birdsong is floating through the early morning atmosphere. A good day for a road trip, you quietly think to yourself, a good day. Then you sit with your mug filled up to the brim on the couch by the bay window. No rushing, there is a calm and lacksadasical attitude at this time of the morning and it is nice.

Once ready, you reach for your keys, swipe your bag off the floor and fix your hair in the mirror before you slip your sandals on and head out to your well earned car. It is a pride in your life, a BMW has to be after all. Series 3 convertible, of course. My dream car... One day... So you open the top and let the morning air fly by you as you head out into the unknown. You don't exactly have a plan, you just know there are places; secret and beautiful that you must find and visit. You have an intuition, you've always seemed to have a special knack at that. You're driving for miles, you think you are possibly getting lost but then, that's happened before so you don't mind all that much. Always lost. You make a stop, you're bursting; maybe it was all that coffee an hour ago to make you alert.

You can see the wood from the trees, nothing but trees, and the morning mist appears from the dew that has settled. Once you feel relieved, you enter deeper and deeper, weaving in and out of the trees just wandering around aimlessly having nice thoughts and feeling the mist on your face as you breeze by; the water feeling refreshing against the pores of your skin. You start to think that maybe this is going to be your adventure for the day, this is where the day is taking you.

Out came the sun, as the undergrowth stretched all around you, the trees getting lost in the midst of the leafy green. It makes you feel wide-eyed and a smile suddenly creeps up from the corner of your soft, silky lips. You walk, and walk; you're not tired even though the sun is slowly getting more intense. It must be almost 11 by now. You left all the distractions safely locked in your car (your bag containing your cell phone, some gum, a pack of malboro's and cards.) All you have is some cash and loose change, your keys, and a Capri-sun in the back pocket of the skinny jeans that make your thighs look so slender. No plans, no distractions, nothing that makes you feel like you belong or that there is anyone else in the world. You like that feeling, you take it in, take a gulp of the Capri-sun and carry on.

You wonder upon a cliff, never realising you had walked that far. It's not very high, with the ocean below. You feel on top of the world; endorphins running through you, the sun in full blaze and everything above and below. You take a minute, outstretch your arms and scream out loud. "WOOOOOOOOOO!" Wow, that felt great. It always feels good to just let it all out and scream. This is more ecstasy than the climax of sex, you decide. You laugh at that, a small cheeky giggle. You know you should do this more often.

All of a sudden, without thinking, just taking the good feeling in. You just jump into the water, the coolness cleansing you from the inside and out. You didn't realise you had been working up a little bit of a sweat until your body was all cold that you shivered. It felt good, and you have a lovely little swim.

Having the idea, just for fun you decide how long you can breathe underwater. The bubbles floating away, like little pieces of your breath wanting to escape from you. You don't need anyone or anything, you're happy here, you're fine with the nature all around you. At one with it all, you come up for air. You've gotta swim, swim for your life. It feels like it was a lifetime down there.

The sun looks like it's heading southwards so you decide to swim back to land and start heading back to the car, if you can find it. You walk for miles until you're tired, and you start recognising your hunger. The atmosphere feels cooler overall, but maybe it's the fact you took a jump off a cliff into the wide ocean. Or, that the sun is close to setting and the night is where it's almost at. At least you had a day away, a day feeling yourself and the lovely beauty of the Earth that surrounds you.

And then the landscape suddenly turns grey, as night begins to approach and the sun has had it's day. You remember that path, the odd tree over there. Maybe it feels grey because you're going away, and it's time for the dullness and reality to come over again. You have to eat, you have to drive, you have to talk to others and get down to business with everyone. Ugh. By the time you get to the car, you're exhausted. There's a diner not far up ahead, and you decide to stop there for the night. Grabbing a meal of over-cooked fries and a chicken burger, you feel satiated. Mmm, food at last. Along with the pitcher of diet coke to quench your thirst and relieve some of your tiredness. You leave the cash with the bill, and walk out, slowly creeping towards the car. You lock yourself in, extend the seat all the way back and you're pretty much knocked out until the next day.

It's 4 am, you must have passed out early, like 8 or 9 the previous night. You feel like wandering, just a little. Getting out of the car feels good, you stretch your legs; taking wide strides as you walk. You feel fine, and you slept good too. This is how you want to feel all the time, you wish you didn't have to worry about all the stupid things in life. See, because these things; nature, beauty, love. These are the things that matter.

There's a bench you come across, by a lake. It must lead to the ocean, you're sure. The ocean you loved and experienced not even 24 hours ago. It's dark but you sit down anyway, you just enjoy the sound of the running water and the good feelings inside of you. Almost instantly, you drift off again. Long day, yawn. Awake, a couple of hours later, you feel a sudden jolt of panic as you don't remember if you locked your car. Jogging back there though, you realise you were wise and have locked it up. You listen to some tunes for a while, keeping your calm. It soothes you, takes you back to that glorious day and all the feelings you encountered. At a suitable time, say 9, you go back into the diner and have pancakes with a drizzling of maple syrup. You need the energy for your adventure isn't quite over yet.

Once again, back to the car with a chocolate milkshake in the cup holder. You head out a little further beyond the diner, just to discover.

Passing a derelict area, it reminds you of Mexico. Though you're not in Mexico at all. You park up and take a walk, just making up movies in your mind. Westerns, only because it feels like the desert. A ghost town. You wonder what the lives of the people that once grazed here were like. You take time to think of how poorly they may have lived, and how you hoped they are somewhere better off now. You get out your phone, put the music player on and start goofing around and dancing. Hi, Highhh!!! You think of nights, hanging tree lights would be appropriate, and inviting your friends to have a good time.

Back to the car, it's almost afternoon. You wave goodbye to the nice time you've had and head back miles away, miles to your apartment.

You see the sea, you take one last stop and breathe the ocean air in. You take one last look and return to your car. Bleh. You wave goodbye, lightly singing a melody while you drive down the road.

As you're driving, you notice some Mexican workers filling up a newly renovated pool. Wonder if they could be those Mexicans from the derelict place. You see a white man on a cell phone who is apparently directing the helicopter above you to place a small palm tree near to the pool. You quickly take out your phone and take a crappy phone shot as you drive by. You wish to have a house like this one day, one day soon. By the ocean so you can be free whenever you want. You smile to yourself, you then carry on looking forwards and onwards you go back to your apartment.

You've parked your car in the garage around the back and you arrive to the front door in the late afternoon. With your bag on your shoulder, you catch a quick glance of the sun and birds swirling above in the sky and you smile. Lovely. One quiet little smile that gives you hope, love and warmth to carry on with your life.

Catwalks, flashing lights and murders in the back alley.

Life's about staring endlessly down a cup of hot chocolate/coffee from Costa and wondering where those missed opportunities went, and why you aren't horseback riding near some mountains feeling free, roaming free. After taking a sip of the quite hot beverage, you sit back clutching your knees towards you, staring out at the people passing wondering how exciting their lives may be. That guy looks like he's been enjoying big thrills, like going skydiving or screaming in the middle of a valley when no one's around. He looks happy, like he enjoys the smallest things, the simple pleasures. You remember when you used to be like that, when you felt like you could breathe and just be, and not really care about the bad that lies underneath all of that. Your mind slowly wanders back to your now lukewarm cup, which you finish off in a minute or so, placing your bag over your neck and shoulder and walking out of the popular coffee place in your lovely town.

So, I've been having dreams. But these are weird ones, ones that I'm not quite sure what they're supposed to mean. One of them I'm sure I've had before, but with a slightly different situation surrounding it. I think I'm inspired again, pictures inspire me and I've been looking on sites and reading and thinking, thinking only wonderous, intriguing things. I think I have a story lined up, one with pictures included on the way. I've been looking at models and photoshoots, I really want to be a model someday. I want to be pictured nude, in some classy pose.

like this.

or this.

Yeah, my day didn't exactly go to plan and I think the boyfriend is worried about me again. I hope I haven't reduced him to tears at work again :(
I'm wondering what to make for dinner, probably some pasta to use up the sweetcorn. I never managed to get a frozen pizza or anything. I'm currently a week away from the BioPsychology multiple choice exam on the computer. I hope it goes well, apparently she said it doesn't take the full two hours. An hour, max she said. So once I deal with the hunger issue, I'll sort out this story and post it. I need to tidy up some more, maybe start packing and things.

La la lovely?

You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you.

Circa things are cute.

I feel so much better, I spilled it out all over him last night. I feel pretty rested too, and he's been complimenting me all day saying things like "you're my gorgeous girlfriend, and one day you will make a gorgeous bride." He really is trying to improve, it's so sweet and yes, it sooo does make me smile! Because the past is the past, and although there still is some wondering going on, I should just pretty much accept it and move on. We're different, it's all different, things have changed. Sometimes people DO actually change, and it's nice. :)

Well I should go out and buy some milk, maybe bread, biscuits and a frozen pizza. I need to use up some onions and the sweetcorn in the fridge, so yeah. Maybe find a flapjack while I'm at it. Exam time always brings fat food, energy foods and all. Basically this time next week will be the eve of my first exam, it's pretty scary actually. Don't panic. Don't panic. Breathe. Wow.

I should look up train times for this weekend, but I do need to sort other stuff out before then. I really need to get my act together. Maybe tidy up some right now. GET ON WITH ITTTTT!!!! ahhh.

Life.
IZ.
moar.
than. THIS.

The places you have come to fear the most.

Fire Fire!
Hot hot hot.

Lolz.
Okaiz.
Wellz.

The flats at Goldsmith Court have had at least some teen numbers of false fire alarms. It's become a real annoyance, and they always say they fixed the problem but it always happens again and again. Even at 1 or 3 am. We go out, the fire engines (two or three) usually come and make us wait for like 20 minutes outside. But this time it was an actual fire, I went out after 5 minutes of the alarm sounding and when I got out near the stairs there was actual smoke. It wasn't heavy smoke, but from the second floor down everybody was having to use the terrace to get out from. Three fire engines came, they took out hoses and some chart thing (I think it's to show where exactly the fire has hit.) Freya and I stood there and wondered, it was pretty chilly as it was early evening and we just wanted to know what had happened to get back in and get on with stuff.

We got to chatting, she's apparently staying near Goose Fair in a house with some friends next year. P came back yesterday, as she wrote on Facebook. I'm actually at a loss, I can't even help myself so how can I offer anything to her? Anyways, Freya has got all her notes spread out on the kitchen table and has finally started revising. She says she's not having much luck but I think she'll be okay judging by her performance last week. It was nice talking, but since only just about recovering from a cold last week, I didn't feel so good after standing in the cold for about 40-50 minutes. The firemen just waited and waited, probably for the smoke to clear, and then they just took off without communicating anything to us. Now we don't know what happened, whereabouts the fire was exactly and if we're supposed to use the elevator and that exit. Maybe they'll post letters out. But this weekend when I'm leaving for home, I hope I can use the elevator.

The day was just a waste. My mum called at 11, and then again at 12. I think I slept until like 3 though. I tried to keep my mind off the pain, off everything about last night. It feels like it's just getting worse and worse and I know it will all come out tonight or something. I even got him worried, "literally been in tears worrying about what got you so upset." When I try and push him away, all I want is for him to be close. He's right, June isn't far off now... which is another real big worry for me. My problem is that I worry too much, I care not enough to do anything about it. I don't know what's wrong with me, what to do. Meh. Even Freya was saying how one of her friends who she's renting the house with may drop out, I was saying how she can always get someone else but she was like "everyone who's coming back to uni next year will have sorted accomodation out by now." Yeah, oops.

So I should really clean my place up a bit more, there are not that many weeks left now. Try some laundry and all that. I also need to get back on my stepper and try and lose some more weight and tone up. That's going to be easier if I get out of this funk. I missed 'Enders so I'll try and watch that in a bit, and then some VM. He said that I should let him help me tonight, so if I don't fall asleep I'll be surrendered to that.

In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air, I was born too late, into a world that doesn't care.

Things are better today!
We had a little talk last night and it's nice to know he'll do anything to keep me. He says he's going to improve, so we'll see. I'm really looking forward to having a better boyfriend, for him to become better in himself; for himself as well as me. When it's true love, it works. So hopefully...

I managed to get cleaning done yesterday, just the hoovering and changing sheets today. Going to make spaghetti for dinner once my flatmate's out of the kitchen, throw in some sweetcorn and whatever else I can find haha. I should try making more risotto, I haven't in a while and I know I'm a good chef. Ha ha. I will have birthday cake for afters too! :)

Sometimes, well a lot of the time actually, I think I was born in the wrong time. I would have loved to be in a simpler time, I wish I could go back in time with my 21st century knowledge and impress the world, make a name for myself. It would have been cool to see the 40's, and the 60's-80's! I would have loved to experienced some of the glamour and fashions, hype and world affairs. Interesting and exciting, and adventurous, kinda unlike today's society. There are no original, wowzaz, no nice pretty inventions. In fact, vintage is more cooler than ever.

Maybe the world will change for the better someday...

Times Are Hard For Dreamers.

Sometimes I think I live in my own mind. I want a man that had dreams like I did when I was younger, I want someone thoughtful and caring, someone who makes me smile when I'm around him. I used to want to do a good deed a week, something to help my self-efficacy, self-healing. Sometimes I used to achieve helping other people a lot, it was all I really did when I was younger and even with close family too.

I think I'm losing everything I've ever known. Maybe that's a good thing considering the way my life's turned out, maybe I'm being forced to change for the better, like someone's giving me an invisible push. It can only get better if I change and I know that, I also know it's going to be extremely scary and lonely so I just need some sort of breakthrough really.

This other guy is maybe just lust though. However, he does talk to me and we wander off in conversations. We have similar interests and we're really attracted to each other, he actually makes me smile, even completely on the inside. This guy makes big gestures, gives like love is what he lives for. I actually avoid talking to my boyfriend, avoid the awkwardness. He doesn't give me much without me practically spelling it out or blatantly asking for it. He doesn't make me feel special or give me compliments, maybe once in a blue moon. He is actually very self centered, just like his ex. He's a little boy with his little shitty attitude and his toys. I wonder why I ever wanted him to the extent that I fought hard for him. It's funny really.

Even I'm sick of my love life. But i'd be even more sick of loneliness :(
I've only ever been told bad things about him, I've always been told I can do so much better, that I need to get rid of him and find someone who will give me what I want and deserve. I think the more I talk to him, the more I find myself itching to do this.

GRRRRRR.

My Life Is G

I can almost breathe properly again, I can taste my food and everything! It rawks, and I've almost beat this cold to the extinction so I am happy. Today feels better, and I am thinking much more clearer too. I am making up my plan as we speak, things are going to move forwards and get better and sorted. I will take these exams, I'm not worried about the one on the 13th, it's multiple choice but I am pretty confident. It's just the essay style ones I have to gather my knowledge up on and get it together with. I will be fine.

FML sent me this link to the opposite namesake site. It's called My Life is Good. It's also a good read, proving good things happen in people's days as well as the bad. I also found some scary resemblence of my situation, my entire life in this PostSecret community forum. I want to know more, maybe see if people are doing things to overcome stuff and maybe I can get some tips on it too? It's all a case of reaching out really. And reaching out to the right person/people.

So tomorrow I really must hoover and clean all around since I'm feeling stronger, maybe do a round of laundry to make sure all the bugs are killed so the sickness doesn't continue. I need to ask my dad whether there's anything else I can do to speed up recovery and make sure this thing isn't leading me to false hope. Could be spreading elsewhere, couldn't it?

I feel a little guilty, I think I'm falling in love with someone else. I don't know, he's just someone I can actually talk to, have a conversation with. We flow, we have similar interests and it feels like fun. Though I'm not sure it's something that can go long term, I need to know more to know that. It feels good though, maybe it's just the happy hormones being released or whatever but he just makes it feel right. My boyfriend though, he doesn't give me anything much. I guess I know I deserve more, I don't know how much longer I can deprive myself of more especially with this new guy in my life. Life's not about concentrating on boys, I know, but I just want to maybe catch this guy before he finds someone. Then again, if we'll ever meet again, who knows? My current boyfriend is really gentle and understanding though, and he's put up with a bit so you know...

Hm, well I am watching a movie called On The Edge with Cillian Murphy in it, it sounds like it could be interesting. Definitely better than that Dark Water remake I just saw.

Sleeping Sickness.

which engagment ring style fits your personality best?

My cold has basically rendered me a little helpless. Gone are the days when my mum would cuddle me and make sure I got proper rest, and cooked me/got me some good food. But that's life, we all grow up, get on, get lost and find our own ways. My period just makes things worse, pain and tiredness-wise. I really hope this passes soon. I'm actually tired right now, like drowsy tired but I can't sleep. So annoying, so annoying.

I've realised that with a lot of things to do with my happiness, I sometimes settle for less than I should. Like the boyfriend, he doesn't give me anything much, he just argues and threatens to leave me and all that. I've actually had to find a way of having some fun, something for me that makes me smile and feel good without being unfaithful. So I guess we'll see.

My stomach cramps are being a bitch. I just want my eyes to close and for me to actually get some sleep!