Times Are Hard For Dreamers.

Sometimes I think I live in my own mind. I want a man that had dreams like I did when I was younger, I want someone thoughtful and caring, someone who makes me smile when I'm around him. I used to want to do a good deed a week, something to help my self-efficacy, self-healing. Sometimes I used to achieve helping other people a lot, it was all I really did when I was younger and even with close family too.

I think I'm losing everything I've ever known. Maybe that's a good thing considering the way my life's turned out, maybe I'm being forced to change for the better, like someone's giving me an invisible push. It can only get better if I change and I know that, I also know it's going to be extremely scary and lonely so I just need some sort of breakthrough really.

This other guy is maybe just lust though. However, he does talk to me and we wander off in conversations. We have similar interests and we're really attracted to each other, he actually makes me smile, even completely on the inside. This guy makes big gestures, gives like love is what he lives for. I actually avoid talking to my boyfriend, avoid the awkwardness. He doesn't give me much without me practically spelling it out or blatantly asking for it. He doesn't make me feel special or give me compliments, maybe once in a blue moon. He is actually very self centered, just like his ex. He's a little boy with his little shitty attitude and his toys. I wonder why I ever wanted him to the extent that I fought hard for him. It's funny really.

Even I'm sick of my love life. But i'd be even more sick of loneliness :(
I've only ever been told bad things about him, I've always been told I can do so much better, that I need to get rid of him and find someone who will give me what I want and deserve. I think the more I talk to him, the more I find myself itching to do this.

GRRRRRR.