Once A Rebel, Always A Rebel. Don't you forget that.

3ish days until Italy and I'm not feeling the usual getaway hype. I liked when my days consisted of Gilmore Girls, Neighbours, Gossip Girl, cappucinos and I'm A Celebrity... USA, '09. Oh, and the old favourite episodes of Friends; just a week ago. But now there's no hope for that. The movies Seven Pounds and 88 Minutes were good to watch. Escapism is all that's left in life. Shame he doesn't see that for himself. I'm still persisting though.

Becoming addicted to Gossip Girl. Is that a good thing or a bad one? I'm not sure. But I did get to have my cappucino and help my dad with sorting out invoices today. At first I was like 'what the hellz am I doing here?!' But it became clear and I no longer felt like a spazz. Haha. So that was my little contribution today. It kills having them around really. Haven't even started packing. My concentration and focus are elsewhere I guess.

I'm hoping this is my last painful entry before I leave on Friday. So Ciao, I guess. Otherwise I'll have to make 2 more entries for June, because I won't be back until July.

Help! I'm Alive.

Metric are my new favourite band
&
I'm hiding out for the forseeable future. I don't have the enthusiasm to write anymore.

A Violent Yet Flammable World.

The perfect suicide would take me to the clouds straight away.

Straight Jacket Strategy.

I swear I've been on a ride like that before. Can't remember where though, possibly Disney?

Eh, things suck again and I don't seem to want to write much again. I thought summer was supposed to help but I guess it's only being a pain in the you know what. It's been a sunny, warm day. I was out in the garden earlier, taking lovely pictures and feeling the warmth of the sun. It was nice until Jeanette (neighbour) caught me taking pictures and obviously thought I was weird or something haha. Well nothing much is new, I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't realise that I'm off to Italy in a week and 3 days. It's like a 6am flight so got to get up at 4am again. Sucks much really. Probably won't get any sleep, we're normally all stressed out and packing and sorting things out last minute lolz.

Ugh. I've gained some weight. Supposed to be LOSING weight! Grr. I think the doughballs last night did it. I was extremely full after those. I need to eat some mango later and I don't know what my mum's going to bother making for dinner. Apparently I have to cook for all of us once a week, haha. We'll see about that. Hopefully she'll forget about that one. I just can't be bothered really. I want to go on the Wii Fit at some point, do some jogging and stuff to lose the weight again.

Hmm, music music music. I sent him another big email last night which he hasn't replied to so you know... it's all over with that one :(
Things have got to calm.....

....... Right?

Better When We're Together.

Things have seemed to have calmed down some. Just because they're still unaware of the situation means that they're slightly nagging me, but that's what I get for not blurting it out. I said earlier that I like taking chances in life, so maybe this is one i'm going to have to take? My dad's being a bit of a jerk around me now though. I was happy that I randomly poured my heart out in an email and he eventually replied. AND he even keeps putting "x's" at the end (: I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that this communication and subtle care will lead to a good path, where we'll be friends at least. Even Brandy hopes that the both of us at least talk and be friends. Ahh.

So I'm going to Italy in another couple of weeks or so. Again, I know. But this time it's Lido De Gisolo, Lake Garda and Venice. It's only for a week because my idiot father had to change his holidays. Grr. My mum and I are thinking about going on a cruise to the Caribbean in January, but I have to pay the whole sum for my ticket apparently :/ So, we'll see..

It has been a nice, sunny day. Speidi have been banned from going back to the Cost Rican jungle, haha. And the latter part of Frangelina is out! Woo. Um yeah, chicken kiev's and ice cream. Bruschetta later. Mmm. (:

Hopefully it's all up from here!

A dislike for a song by Lights that is stuck in your mind.

It was pretty bright, up on the rainbow bridge tonight
I could see into your window although you’re far away
You were racing in a car
Beside a boy, you just don’t know
If he is up for what you have in mind
If he is up for what you have in mind

Change is on the cards, but this time it will be hard
But I never want to leave you
We’ve never had a fight
You should never split a pole
You should never split at all
I wish I had two paths I could follow
I’d write the ending without any sorrow

I will say a prayer, just while you are sitting there
I will wrap my arms around you
I know it will be fine
We've got a fantasy affair
We didn’t get wet. We didn’t dare.
Our aspirations are wrapped up in books
Our inclinations are hidden in looks

Summer’s hastening on
I’m trying to get a feeling from
The city, but I’ve been unfaithful
I’ve been traveling abroad

We’ve got a fantasy affair
We didn’t get wet, we didn’t dare
But the fantasy remains
You better come back to earth again

Our aspirations are wrapped up in books
Our inclinations are hidden in looks

Fragile As We Lie.

So, meh. I'm back home. Housework, sleepless nights until like 5 am and boredness. Oh yeah, the fact that I can't live my life the way I want, the constant nagging and telling, pushing and probing. Then there's the fact I can't stand to be around my mother. I think she's evil now, she's turned into somewhat of a monster. My dad played his bad parent part in my early years, but I can see that she's been the downfall lately. It sucks much, and I may have to go back to Nottingham for as long as I can stay and then ask my dad to help finance another means of accomodation. :/

He knows the drink affects his speed he's praying for
a doorway
back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Leaving tomorrow :(
Chucked out freezer stuff, cleared up some stuff.
Still need to load up some bin bags, hoover and clean. Then catch the 4:45 train. I'm nervous and I should be, please let it be alright going back home..

In other news...

• The ex pretended to be a girl on a ps3 game, taking our friends' dead friends pics and saying he was her. Sick psycho.
• Watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Most original movie i've seen in a while, even got some humour added.
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall is another cool movie, friends are cool and embarassing moments are uncool.

Haha. For now, that is all.

Look Who's Stalking/Rat Saw God.

Been watching lots of VM, nearly finished with the whole lot. Hopefully I will be soon. Anyway, I just couldn't resist putting it in his face that he's missing out. I told him in a myspace message that I just wanted him to know that he is, that I would have been there in a week's time. Ah wells haha. Maybe he was doing all of that as means of an elaborate plan to get rid of me? Hey, well he can go back to being a loner with his 10 hours a day of videogames and obesity. I am much better off without him. But you know it's weird, she's seen i've out-grown him now. I wonder if she thinks i've done her a favour at all? Now she's with Richy and all. Who knows. Maybe I should ask?

I woke up and couldn't believe it's Thursday already. There aren't many more days left here. It's tres sad :( I mean it. Someone's twitter update said "being around my mom makes me wish I was back at school." I know that my days will be like that, sort of. I was on the phone with her just now and she's like "want to fight?" Lol. Meh, it sucks much. I think it would be good to get a studio apartment if I ever live on my own again. No more kitchen fiasco's, all the freezer space and everything else. It would be good.

I have a bruise on my ankle and I'm hungry. I should go make dinner.
IF the kitchen is free yet!

Aim for where horizon and blue sky meets.

So let’s be killers babe;
Make the great escape.
From all the bitter words
Of every crowded street and empty heart.

Tom McCrae is an amazing artist!

It must have been a dream I had, so long ago. Well something bigger must have touched me then, to fill my mind with hope.

I have a real longing for the beach, no one knows just how much. It's a deep set thing, it's a place where I belong, a place I can just breathe and be. Ace Enders & A Million Different People is currently playing, and I think they just remind me of perfect beach music. A true breathe factor, if you can call it that haha. Things would be completely sorted if I was away from here, if I was out there with all of the things I love. The smell of SPF is actually putting the senses forth, bringing the longing right to the home of my heart.

Ex's can be friends. Now I have a sexy ex that shares my feelings, and another guy. The other guy is trying to win me back, but we'll see. It seems alright so far, but he really has to shine for me. I want the life away. I want this, and I will get it somehow. I want to be out there, so very badly.

:EDIT:



Just had my first ever poptart. I have to say, they don't live up to all they've been said to be. I bought a box of them from Tesco's, Kellogg's ones "Strawberry Sensation." They're like a biscuity kind of a Nutri-Grain bar, but with much more fatness involved. I can now say I've experienced a Pop-tart though. Think they could be good for a breakfast meal, though they do make you thirsty.

Her Morning Elegance.

The World's A Better Place When It's Upside Down.

Life is a mystery. Life is mysterious and there are lots of mysterious ways.
Yeah, i've managed to totally overuse the word "mystery" and it's forms. But it's really mindblowing that he suddenly said "I don't want to be your 'ex' anymore." It's totally out of the blue, and I'm going to remind him that I was not forcing him to tell me what I want to hear, that he's the one that has to work on things and i'll help him but he has to be honest and open. I'll even say that I just wanted to know what was holding him back from making a decision, and that I didn't even ask for an answer, so that way he can have more time to think about it if he wants. I just want him to want this as much as I do, so he'll properly work on it and talk, let me help and all.

The thing is, I haven't received any texts, he hasn't confirmed he is going to talk to me. It could just be another one of his sick, sad games. Maybe Bethany or Michelle put him up to it. He may have some Southern "chick" or be seeing Amanda for all I know. The only way to find out is if he talks later. Is that a big IF? hmmm. I hope not.

It's been another sunny and warm day. Freya's back, and she's saying it's not her week to clean (that she did it two weeks ago, meaning the week after I did.) Lucy didn't clean on her week, I suspect. But you know, it's kind of getting silly/ridiculous now. Someone should take responsibility, and no, it's not going to be me because I cleaned up the week I was supposed to, left/went away for a week, and came back to that mess! It's disgusting and someone needs to get a guy in here to help with the overflowing trash and all. It's starting to smell and attract flies too! Ugh. The atmosphere is kinda tense, annoyed. So you know..

Anyways, I've missed my mum's phone call twice today. Maybe I should ring her back, I don't know. I've still got dishes to clean up and stuff, but going into the kitchen isn't appealing at all. Can't believe i've only got a week left here, I don't know what to doooo!! One day, I will learn how to surf. I'll take those damn waves as good as they get. You know it's what I was meant to live for, that is what my life's supposed to be about. Not being stuck here. I want to be out there, on a beach. By the ocean, having fun.

Ahh..