It's looming above, like a dark rope waiting for the execution.

I got to talk to him, you can tell he still cares but I really think he wanted to do that from afar. But you know, I feel calmer in myself because he is back around so surely he can see he's helping in that way. I just wish I didn't feel a bit awkward when we talk, his reluctance all this time doesn't really help. I'm honestly wondering how he and Michelle faired, how they became good friends and such if he's like this. I'm guessing that maybe he's intimidated by the fact that i'm so young and hot, and also have intelligence, power and money in my favour already. Plus the fact i'm cultured and all the other things I take interest in.
To him, it's possible he thinks we're from two completely different worlds but little does he know the truth about that. With Michelle though, same country, same grounding, age and days of work. Interests is something we can find if we talk. Grr, I just wish us closer somehow.

Anyway, since the end of the week is seriously coming now, I'm scared and I'm wondering exactly when to blurt it out to my mother. I'm not sure I can do it. What if I leave it until the last minute, or worse, lie about it? I have no clue how to do this, or about what's going to happen after I do, or if I cover the truth. It's the hardest thing in all of my life pretty much. Kind of wish I had some real support. My mother and possibly father aren't going to be enough. Especially when we disagree on how to handle this. I'm scared about how they'll see me, what they'll think or do; how they may treat me. I'm scared of tests and talks and diagnoses. I'm not even sure I can openly talk, or whether I really want to know what's wrong. What if they misdiagnose? What if drugs are involved? And as for my future, another shot at uni? Moving away? Maybe I'll be their shame.
Then there's what the extended family will think, how they'll laugh at me, or whatever they may do. Maybe i'll be sent to an institution where they'll pull it all out of me unknowingly. I'm just so freaking out about it.

But yes, I saw him come online on his phone then back to invisible again. Wonder what that was about and why he's still invisible on his own yahoo messenger. I thought if you signed in on another device it signed you out of the one you're already signed into? Hmm.

Time to go.